Thursday, September 22, 2011

Another year!


Some birthdays are meant to make you feel another year older and some are meant to make you feel loved…Yesterday’s was one that made me feel loved..Love showered through the wishes from my parent in-laws, my mom, my family, my friends .. and more friends on my Facebook. 

The kids came down early to wish me…with their cards!! I wondered what they would’ve created this time!

N’s creation was so cute. She had made like a cut out..of 3 women…each of them dressed different. One in saree, one in pants and the third in an Indian chudi!  The 3 forms of her mom she sees around everyday! That was so thoughtful..

Poo was so impressed with her own card.  She loves drama!! As usual she had lots of mushy things to tell me…in her own dramatic way! She said..

“WOW mama! doesn’t my card look like a book!”

And K, the cutie that she is…created a cute card for me..explaining what mama meant to her and how that dress fits me perfectly!  What more can a mom ask!

Until a few years ago..this was all I would have asked for!! When my family from India called me on my b’day, I had felt elated…I felt blessed. I felt wished.  I felt good, they remembered me this day, even though I didn’t even bother to remember their’ s. 

Today, that was surely necessary, but, was it sufficient?!!

Today, in this age of social networking where I’m connected with people right from the days when I took my first step.   Ok! must be an exaggerated version of being connected..but, you get the point!

Following all these connections I’d made from being in school till now, where,  I’m now, mostly in touch with the mom’s whose children go to the same school and pre-school as my kids…

How is it possible to not be wished by all these friends of mine? 

Your diaper buddies you shared the crèche with, your school friends, college friends…encompassing all those schools/universities that you’ve been to, and  a lot more people that you’ve met travelling through your life..

All of them are there to wish you well today!  Isn’t that the best cake one can have?!  I was lucky enough to be wished by many of you’ll. 

Last month, it was Hubby’s b’day and he got a mere 17+ wishes on his Facebook page… I had told him..

“What  Hubby, only 17 people thought it worth to wish you?!”

Hubby dear, the optimist he is, saw a lot of positive in it.. He replied

“Considering I hardly post anything, that, I’d not wished anybody yet…, Isn’t that great?!”

So, it all boiled down to a popularity contest here between the Palle spouses…Who is more popular?! Of course…I won the race, hands down!

Thanks for that my Facebook friends.  Every wish was cherished like there wasn’t another…for me.  Like I had said before…each of them..helped me add points into my Karma bank.

Remember posting birthday wishes on your friend’s Facebook wall?.. I ‘ve posted on my friend’s walls too.  Did you have to struggle for the right words? Thought hard, what words would that be, that would put a one in a million smile on your friends face? Trust me, I did too!! I’m sure my friends did too!

I remember struggling to find the right words sometimes,  maybe because there were so many messages on my friend’s wall…and I wanted mine to stand out!! Or, maybe I’ve not known the person for a long time and you know, people change…completely in that much time!

I know, I have!!

The friends who knew me as a kid, or even in my teens, would claim hands down, that I was a girl of few words, always lost in my thoughts and a smile sometimes. And then, Hubby dear happened.   Just as I was realizing that if I don’t start talking now,  I’ll have to spend all my life just listening..the kids happened,  the mommy thing rubbed off on me..and the words started to pour out, first, as a trickle and then, profusely!!  

So, had surely managed to get the appropriate words for a difficult situation too.

Other times, wishing some others, had been so spontaneous for me.  Some recent incident with them, or a recent remark that wasn’t replied to, provides fodder to  write a nice message. In the simplest of words, honesty does show out. I’ve seen the most loving, moving, honest but, simple messages from my friends on Facebook.

And then, there were times, I could just post a “Happy Birthday xyz!” and I felt like I did good! 

Do you remember the ring of your name, as your friend would call out to you.  The accent! Everyone has a way of talking, of calling you, right?!

Sometimes…I can feel like the person is right beside me and almost hear the voice in my ear.  How my name sounds when they would say, “Happy Birthday Gayatri!”.  I could hear that distinctly! 

And, they would have written nothing more than just that,  “Happy Birthday Gayatri!” ..but, it does magic..the voice itself reaches your ears.

I also received a few, that said…

“Happy Birthday”.

I can understand that!  You don’t feel as close to the person, yet, you do want to convey to them, that, the b’day was acknowledged and want to blow some wishes their way.

Most times, I remember, I’ve ordered around, in guise of wishing…I’d written stuff like..

“Have a blast Rupa!”,  “Have a great one Jaya!”

“Have  a good day Sugu!!”

Meaning to let them know..I’m not going to be jealous of you today..if you had the finest moments that I’d been yearning to have in a long long time! Go ahead…Enjoy them without any guilt!

I received a couple of wishes like that too!

Then I felt, I had a new responsibility now!! I couldn’t let my friends down, they had asked me to have fun! What would I write them back…That my day sucked!!

I had to really make it right. I had to make it great!!  As I thought of how, I could do that,  I found that I had made my way to the gym.  The yoga instructor led us through these routines, that, when I came out of the class..along with a few aches and pains.. it was time to go for the swim…

Ahhhahh!! That was the moment, those thoughts invaded me..those thoughts, you know.. That make you take a hike from the gym…

“Its your birthday Mama!!” I could hear the kids say.

“Its your birthday Gayatri!”, I could hear Hubby dear say.

“Have a great day Gayatri!”  the message said..

I mean..Its my birthday!!…

“Maybe, I can skip the swim today…Its so cold anyways…”, I thought.

Like the water in the pool was exposed to that rainy weather…But, who cares for all those facts..I was trying to make my way out..of the gym, right?!

While these thought were taking control of me, I found myself wrapped in the suit..I remembered the scale from that morning…

“I had added 3 more pounds !!! “

Still ready to run out the next moment..I walked towards the pool and lo!! there was a lane that was free!  All for myself..I didn’t need to share the lane with anybody today!  A birthday gift! Especially, if it was the corner one!

Ok! Maybe I’ll just finish this with 35 laps today, I thought..and took that dive into that cold water..

I came out after an hour completing my whole routine like I always did…I was able to pick Richa up from her school in time and had just reached home, the kids came home…ready with instructions for the back to school night Sad smile

The school had done its share of letting me

“Have a great day!”

Right! That’s what the order/wish was all about!  Wasn’t it?!  It didn’t mention the evening…

People! Friends! next time when you wish for somebody, make sure you take the evening/night into consideration too…The gods do listen!!  They do eavesdrop on all of these wishes…even if they are electronic!! Which ever network protocol! How ever secure!

Right. I didn’t get to go out on any dinner or even sit down with Hubby dear to share some moments together, with a cup of tea that evening.   

No Complaints!!

Hubby dear reached home just in time so I could hop into the vehicle to run off to the back to school night. Oh Boy! was that fun or exercise?! Juggling through 3 classes…The school seems to have worked really hard, making sure all the three kids are placed in classes in the three corners of the school.

I came back to a quite home, everybody fed, done with their showers

Wow! Wasn’t that great!!!

Thanks so much for all your kind wishes.

With Love


Sunday, September 18, 2011

The schools commence (Part 2)


There is another important event that happens before schools start. The curtains are raised on which teacher your child has been assigned to. This announcement, that almost nails down, how fruitful the child’s year is going to least from parents perspective, isn’t it?!

As soon as that happened this year, suddenly, the email activity in my inbox shot up…there were strings of emails from all my friends…each of them with a familiar question to each of us..

“ My baby has been assigned to Ms. S’s class, Does anybody know her?”

There were email thread circulating with every parent trying to find a little more information on their kid’s teacher. Or, if any of our kids are going to be together this year.

These circulating opinions, collected from our wide connections, also called the Mommy network of our district where we don’t need to subscribe to any forums, but any question when posed..will surely get you the answer...either bring solace to the parent or puts them in misery..until the day they would meet the teacher and eventually find out..

“This teacher is not as bad as I thought!”

“Not any close to how somebody had described her/him as!!”

Every parent, depending on their situation has different opinions of a teacher they have known in the past. I’ve known of parents who had been so happy with a teacher and another parent who was equally sad with how their kid fared that year under the same teacher. 

There was one year when K was under a very kind and understanding teacher. She somehow seemed to understand my situation,  the kind of atmosphere my daughter would need to help her through the year.  That year, I came to know later, she was trying to become a mommy! So, whatever I spoke to her from a Mommy’s perspective hit on the mark.

I was so happy with how K progressed that year and during the same time I had heard from another mom who told me that her child happened to be in the same teacher’s class during a previous year and what a nightmare that year had felt to them.

Then why would one even bother with this process.. You could call it “Curiosity”!! Or, the fact that some knowledge is better than none!!  Not sure! We are just bound by our ways..can’t help, isn’t it?!

To me, my first glimpse into the teacher’s personality comes from her/his welcome letter.  It surely reflects to me, what the teacher is going to be like.  What is their field of interest..Does it matter to them to make the child comfortable? Are they very academic? 

Just like the other years, this year too…I got 3 different welcome letters.. The first letter for P was from her teacher Ms.D.  She surely was excited about a lot of academic stuff that was waiting for the kids in class and at the same time, the letter had a softer feel to it..when she introduced herself, her pets and listed all things they were going to do to understand each other in class..

N’s teacher Mr.V, was too the point. He mentioned a lot of science activities that was waiting for the kids when they get to class. There wasn’t much, in the letter in terms of knowing him as a person, except he loved sailing.

K’s teacher, Ms.W,  seem the softest and funniest of the 3. She had taken a great deal of the letter introducing herself, her troop of pets, her 3 dogs and n number of cats and chinchillas and others..

What more could the kids ask for?? They were all sold on her.  Immediately there was an uproar at home..P and N were running after K..

“That’s not fair!! That’s not fair!! Why didn’t I get her as my teacher?  I want to be in that class too!!!”

K was gleaming with pride and happiness. Her teacher was the coolest of the lot.

So, here we parents were,  trying to find which teacher is best for their child, which teacher will provide the most challenging environment for their child, which teacher will push their child’s learning to the brim,  which teacher will go the step into making the child realize the beauty of learning…light up that curiosity lamp in the child..get them excited, motivated to learn…make it seem, COOL, you know.

The children had an agenda of their own!

That was not all..these kids were already collecting information from their senior friends on which teacher is the coolest to be with..

“Mama…N says..Mr.K lets the kids to chew bubble gum in class!!”

“ teacher is going to let us take the pet home for a week!!!  When its going to be my turn, I’m going to bring the chinchilla home!”

These were the things that got the kids excited of being in a class.  None of them even mentioned if its going to get more challenging in Mr.K’s class.  That didn’t matter. They would deal with it, when they found themselves in the situation..What mattered to get the insider’s scoop on which is the coolest teacher to have.

Now 2 weeks into the school, we parents as well as the kids have forgotten all that talk that we had engaged in..The kids have already gotten busy with their home works.  I’m busy comparing why their home works are not on the same level. Why one of them has just one page of work to complete while another comes back with 3 pages of homework…I’m busy trying to balance this out by giving some work of my own so everybody knows the same. In Telugu there is a saying

“Peeta kastalu Peetave, Sita kastaalu Sitave!!”

So here we are dealing with our own problems or problems that we create instead of looking at a situation, like it is,  Simple!

Time has become a sparse component in the whole equation.  The parents have already gotten busy with checking their kids work..juggling their life between their work and the kid’s school. Life is back to normal!! Smile

Friday, September 16, 2011

And schools commence (Part 1)


September is a month that brings back a lot of memories for me! In the form of birthdays and anniversaries. It reminds me of all the virgos in my life!!

There are happy moments and sad ones to remember too. My father, and my father-in-law both have their birthdays in September.  I lost my dad in September but, there were new additions to the family in September too!! 

Its also the month that marks the end of summer and time for my kids to be shown their rightful place to be in…Their School!!!! Time for me to tell their teachers..

”They are all yours! Fragile, Handle with care!”

For 3 long months these tiny balls of energy  ( let me use this analogy until I can..I know, I’ll soon be the tiny ball in my family, with the way the kids are growing!)  had tried all they could to make my home  a noisy, cluttered and a lively place to be in, but you see, I do treasure my quite moments.  Its time for me to reclaim that.  Its time to push them into that big yellow bus that would take them back to their schools.

Two weeks into the school, the back to school bug seems already faded out.  Now, past the scramble of getting the school supplies for our kids before they disappeared from the store shelves… I find myself settled into this new routine.

There is a calm in the air now!  The usual calm before the storm when the desks are going to flooded with homework's to be complete and checked, for projects to be done, for forms to be filled out, for decisions to be made,  which can be as silly as which string instrument to choose. Seems like that’s the biggest decision my kids are making right now!!!  Decision making hadn’t been so exciting before. They already feel the freedom..That, they are in charge of what they want to do in life Smile  

Tiny pleasures!!! Smile 

One decision old…and N is already taking other major decisions. She’s deciding what she wants to wear when she is going to be a teen!! Farsighted, uh!!

“Mama, can I decide what I can wear when I am a teen?!!”  Like I am the one deciding their clothes now?! Nothing’s going to change then also…I will have to shell out the bucks for her dress, when she’s a teen too! right?! All this talk, so she can wear jeggings when she is a I would mind that!! 

“Sure”, I say..”As long as you’re not showing more skin than clothes!!”

I’m sure, as inconspicuous as this permission feels now..its going to give me and her some stressful moments..some tears..some disappointments.  I’m already preparing myself for that Smile  Actually, both of us are getting ready to face it!!

Wasn’t I talking school supplies?!! I thought so too.

This year’s school supplies list had been varied as were the teachers. Some teachers had shown ascetic trends in their demands for school supplies, while, another wanted 5 composition books, 5 spiral note books, 5+ double pocket folders..and bundles of post its and index cards and scotch tapes and water colors and crayons and color pencils and markers and sharpies and dry erase markers with different tips!! The list had felt unending.

Just as their teachers, the kids have different demands too. For their backpacks, lunch bags (that they may carry 4 times a month for the love of buying cafeteria food…WoW! I must really suck at cooking, right?!). My kids wanted a more cool look this time with sling backpacks and messenger bags (the cheapest I found at Amazon for $30…no way!!) ..and lunch bags that had no remnants of the princess era they had been through.  The bags need to have a cool retro look!

I took the easy route this time again! I went on the internet to find stuff  because the stores never have all of them. Isn’t that an easy way to shop?!  A set of markers from Crayola is going to be the same set if I find them in a store, right?! I had a lot more choice when it came to folders and sharpeners and school bags, on the internet.

I was even able to nail down the tip specifications of the sharpie marker and dry erase markers that was demanded in the school supply sheet!  Fine tip, Ultra fine tip!!! Can you believe that?! Yes, those were some of the demands.

One teacher asks for specific colored composition books for each subject while  for another, a stack of them would do! I didn’t’ realize that selecting a composition notebook can be such a tedious job. As soon as I saw the first composition book pop up in the search, I was happy to click on the quantity when my eye fell on the review that mentioned how the paper of “Mead” composition books have deteriorated over the past couple of years.

Ok! Let me look at another brand then, I thought. But, they need to be wide ruled and have a 100 sheets. Wasn’t the size specified too?!! I tried to remember. At this point,  I realize, I’m not going to waste my effort this way!

But what if I bought something that the teacher wouldn’t’ accept? What if I bought a composition book with a paisley design for its cover, because I love paisleys?  Then, the teacher could write back to me..

“Wasn’t my instructions clear enough?!!”


What would my daughter answer her?  What if she sat my child in  the last row for being so careless.  What if that made her decide my daughter’s grade, already?! 

Don’t they say..”The first impression is the last!”

The over protective, over indulging parent that I am..I don’t want my child to be in such a position , Would I?!!

And just as I had felt that all the items on the list have been checked off…phaattt comes another.  I’m standing at the door, welcoming my excited kids, after their first day of school!

“We need Book Socks Mama!!”, the kids come inside, saying. Is this the first thing they could talk about, after their first day at school?!

Now what is a book socks? Haven’t heard that before!

Surely, I’m not going to find a socks so big that’s going to fit in all their books..Are backpacks banned in school now for any security reasons?!!!

Turns out, it’s a fabric or stretchable wrap for a book to keep it secure. So, I’m back to the internet to order some book socks.  Now, what size was that supposed to be? I order Jumbo sizes…

After we got it…the next day, N comes back from school saying..

“Mama, the book socks doesn’t fit..its not even stretchy…”

“OK! you’ll have to do without a book socks now!!”  At this point I didn’t care if her teacher will mark any grade for her…

Collecting all the school supplies is such a pain for any parent.  The demands are so specific. Looks like the teachers make sure that its not as easily available as it was to her/him!!  Or maybe, they want to put the parents to test!! Lets see which parent is the most persistant..won’t give up so easy. or, maybe they want to check out which parent is the most resourceful kinda person. Knows where to find what!!

I feel thankful that they just request for  “A box of tissues”  and “Sanitizer” instead of  “A box of tissues with Aloe” or a “Strawberry Scented Sanitizer” because the kids might get allergic to the regular sent!!   That would have been atrocious!!

I’m happy, I’m through filling in the class supply list for this year! .. Maybe not..Am I? Well, I hope so!! Sad smile

To be continued…….

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My cup of Trouble or Delight!!

When the triplets had turned 9 this summer..Richa had asked me when was it going to be her birthday. Actually, she had put it better,

“How long for MY birthday, Mama?”

Hers was the only name not on the cake..during this summer birthday.  Seemed so unfair. I had answered,

“6 months, Richa!”

She had exclaimed a disappointed “Ahwwww!” like she had any clue what 6 months meant.  Even today when somebody asks her how old she is, she answers in the elaborate..

“I am 4 olds now and I will be 5 olds in Ja-nu-ary. In 6 months!”

I’ve heard this phrase called  “The terrible 2s” but, seems like in case of Richa, the 2 is just extending seamlessly across all her years.

Of late she’s been troubling her Didis to her hearts content. She steals their pencils or erasers or just about anything they are working with and runs away, inviting them to a game of tag. 

How else can she get the attention of these popular angels of our home. She hasn’t been accepted into the sorority of her sisters, yet! Frustrating enough.  They seem to talk cool stuff, get to go in this big yellow school bus along with the rest of her friends, seem to know much more than she knows or comprehends!

She just wants to be there … at their level because the possibility of them toning down a little bit and talk stuff that sounds less gibberish to her..seems like a remote option.

She’s not the type who wants to give up, is she?! She’s up for the challenge. She makes up by showing them how agile she can be…

Just sneak up to them and flick their stuff and run around. They’ll be running behind her, the next second. She knows!  Now , she has the whole troop behind her…chanting her name!  Maybe bellowing sounds closer to the truth.

All of them running behind her..yelling

“Richa!! Richa!!! Richa!!!…give it back..!”

Sounding like music to her ears, her adrenaline getting a kick. The triplets, frustrated with this guerilla attack on them..have formed a union against her for such situations. They have realized the im-pon-tence (Richa’s version of ‘importance’)  of this phrase

“United we stand..divided Richa rules!!”

One of them is available to shout out,

“Mama..Richa took our stuff!”

Another is running behind her to get it back..without hurting her, for if Richa even feels any molecule in her body move because Didi managed to get a tight hold of her..she would be ready with her version of a war cry which even includes some foot stomping, following which, her Didi would be in for a dose of Mama’s medicine. 

So, that calls for some fine handling.

The third one is hiding all the other stuff from the table so Richa would not get her hands on them. After a full summer of dealing with this, day in and out, I’d only started to breath a little easy when I realize that the start of schools didn’t mean a stop to all this.

Now that the triplets had discovered Richa the Menace, they had started to keep their doors closed to her. They would lock the door of their room from inside and almost immediately, we have holler,

“Mama, Didis are never gone let me come into their room!!!”

Then, another one follows..this time from Mama,

“PNK!!!! What’s all this?!  I said, no playing with the doors!!”

Immediately..the doors open and Didis are shouting

‘Mama, she is stealing our things!”

Now, it was time for Mama to find a place to hide…

As much as she has been troubling the living day lights of us…every thing she speaks is a delight to hear. The other day, as I was working, Richa comes to me and asks..

“Mama, Did Didis tell on me?”

“About what?!”, I ask

“That I had taken their legos and run away!  Did they tell on me?”, she asks without even realizing that she is the one who is doing the TELLING on her!

“No, they didn’t say anything.., Why are you touching their stuff, Richa?!”, I ask, now that I’m aware of what she has been up to.

“Mama, Didis are never going to let me touch their city..their lego city”, she continues…

As much as she is enjoying being the shoe stealing puppy..she is very aware of all the talk around her .. She makes it a point to stop us point blank and clarify…her big doubts!

Hubby dear, who was on a call is heard saying..

“Ok Guys..I’m going to drop off now!”

“Drop off! What are you going to drop Papa?!”, she asks immediately. Or, another time…

“Mama, what is opposite..why did you say opposite?”

Which wasn’t as difficult to explain as when she asked..

“Mama, Why do you say internet?! What is internet?!”

She had just eavesdropped on a conversation that Papa and me were having.

“Richa, its another planet. It has lots of stuff called information in it and I can get that information on to my computer through these wires..”,

I say, suddenly caught unawares, unable to use words like networks, communication and sharing, emails etc.  I suddenly realized as I blurted out what had come to mind…I really wouldn’t have been able to define it if the triplets had asked me either.

They know better now..they find it easier to “Google” than to find out what a dumb a-- Mama is!!

Sometimes its confusing to understand the kids of this generation. How much information is too much for them, you wonder?

Thinking again, I don’t think anything is too much for these kids now-a-days.  I tell you, you start explaining to them the concepts of networking and trust me they will get it, much better than you did the first time!  I have that confidence. Then, I wonder, why I hold back…

Sometimes she reminds me…as if telling me

”Make no mistake of my innocence, mama!”

Like the time I told her…that bugs will start to make their homes in her hair, if she keeps refusing to wash her hair…and she replies, saying,

“You’re funny Mama!”

The other day, after we came back from school, I tried to find out from her if she had in fact eaten her lunch or thrown it in the garbage.

I was sure she would’ve have finished the yogurt because, that’s something she can live on and not want anything else. But, I still went on..

“Richa, are you sure you finished your yogurt?!”

“Yes..Mama, I did!”

“I will talk to Ms. J and find out if you really did”, I said, intently watching her for her reaction..Waiting for her to say…”Fine! I threw a little bit, Ok!”. Instead, she answered.


“Did you finish your jelly sandwich?!”

“Yes, Mama”

“How much did you throw in the garbage?”

As she searched for the right words…I was already glowing inside..thinking..

“Ahh there! I caught you baby!!!”

“Nothing!…I placed the two slices of bread on each other and then..I ate it all up, like this!”,  she answered, acting out the whole episode!

“Ok, let me check you tummy and see if I can feel the 2 slices of bread”, I say.

I just pressed a little bit here and a little bit there on her tummy…and acted like I am touching something and said..

“Here! I can surely feel one slice of bread here!”,

“But, where’s the other slice?!”, I asked..

“Really!!!, You can feel the bread in my tummy?!”, she asks, her eyes popping out,  totally believing me..Astonished, that one can do that.

She then..stops walking and spends some time feeling her tummy for a while and says..

“Ma…that’s 2 slices of bread! I can touch 2 slices of bread!”, she said with a sly smile that she couldn’t help hiding,  totally catching me of guard and letting me know.. “It was me who was taking you for a ride all this while, missy!!”

Recently, she had her hit with a harsh reality called HOMEWORK!   That she is liable to learn stuff forcefully too!!!

She has been getting a few minutes of Music and Dance lessons from the triplets Guru and suddenly she finds herself in midst of something that she had not signed up for!!  HOMEWORK!

She was supposed to memorize the Dadra Taal. A taal constituting of 6 beats (A measure of 3 beats!) with the finger movements. The simplest of all taals.  Somehow, this didn’t come across to her as a fun activity. You see, It came to her in the form of HOMEWORK!

Wasn’t HOMEWORK..something only Didis were supposed to do?!  She never had to do this before..She was just meant to do fun stuff, where she got to decide what she was in the mood for.

There was another insider information she knew about HOMEWORKS! Mama or Papa would eventually need to check it, sometimes with..some soft words, and other times, with some more softer words…not soft enough to mean they were fun..She knew that. 

She’s now liable for all this?!! 

When did life take this weird turn?!  The consequence of approaching her 5th birthday in another 4 months now, I remind her.

Why don’t birthdays feel enticing anymore?! I could hear her insides scream.  Same shoes that I find myself too Richa, I commiserate with her mentally.

She has suddenly understood the importance of remaining a small kid…

“Mama, I’m a baby still, you know!”, she reminds me. Already fearing a backlash, she adds,

“Fine!!! I’m not a baby, right, I’m bigger but, still a tiny kid!”, she says, trying to defend her stand, for not being subjected to any homework!

Sitting with me…as I’m trying to teach her this sequence of 6 funny words, to be repeated in a pattern, and she stares at me and says..

“I don’t know how to say that Mama”

She has learnt it early enough..agreeing to do some homework today, will be like asking for more, tomorrow!

Here I am…with my hands on my head, trying to hold on to whatever sanity is left while some more seeps away, well aware, that this girl will soon be doing all these things expected of her…Only, the road to getting there, doesn’t seem like an easy one. And, I wonder..why everybody asks me..

“Triplets!!! How did you take care of them?” 

Weren’t they the easiest, I wonder.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A decade, and 9/11 still feels like it happened yesterday!

For 10 years, this week, this day, has come and gone, leaving me terrified, shaking, teary eyed, angry, overwhelmed, and also grateful to have my Hubby safe, by my side and at the same time, almost feel guilty for being among the lucky ones who got to hug, kiss and be with my loved one, while there were so many others who didn’t get to do the same. There was nothing on earth that could provide them with the same comfort as I felt!

Every brings me back to this question that I dread to even put into words, “WHAT IF?!”  Leaves me trembling! As scary as those words are to me…Those moments had left a life long scare in all of us..

Even today…, when Hubby dear leaves for work, there is this discomfort in the pit of my stomach, that I feel every morning, with a question..”Will he come back safe for dinner?!” There hasn’t been a single morning, since that dreadful day, 10 years ago,  when I’m not subconsciously praying that he stays safe, comes back home still feels like he’s going into a war zone, every morning! 

There have been days when Hubby would have missed my calls for any reason, and I had immediately put on the TV news to check if everything was alright and finally when he picks, how I had gone berserk with him on the phone…

In the time we were struggling to contact Pavan on that terrifying day, a lot of drama had ensued at home too! The live coverage on TV, especially when the towers started to fall, was the point I had lost it and started to wail, as I had still not heard back from Pavan.  Remembering all that still gets me weak in my knees, every single time. Reading the stories of survival and lose of life, the pictures of people leaping to their death because they didn’t want to be burnt alive gets me sick.  And its already 10 years since that happened and it feels like yesterday, for me.

How casually I had taken the first bits of news of the plane hitting the towers and just in a few more minutes finding myself in a big crisis, slowly realizing that I didn’t even know which tower Pavan is in, or which floor he worked on! As I dashed home..hoping, praying that Pavan would’ve already called…his parents.

My In-laws who were visiting us at that time had a shock from which they haven’t recovered till date.  My MiL’s cries from that day still haunts me..My FiL was going through his own agonizing moments.  And I wanted to keep my calm and try to find a way that I could do something. 

I remember feeling terrible listening to those cries. I had wanted it to stop.  I had wanted her to stop crying. I remember pressing my hands against my ears. It sort of made me feel like something was really wrong with Hubby dear.  I had wanted her to be positive,  that my Hubby would be safe and is going to call us soon…which he did in a few more minutes..but, how can I explain how long all those minutes had felt! It feels so weird to remember myself from that day, and how I had reacted in that moment of crisis..

This replay of events as the day had unfolded, of that day,  has been going on in my mind for a decade now, every time, giving me the sweats. Terrified to even imagine any other outcome for my family.  Sure, we were among the lucky, very very lucky ones! After hugging Hubby dear that evening, which was when he was able to reach home,  I had thought, I don’t think I have anything to complain in life about.  But, it hasn’t left us untouched.  It did change our lives for ever.  Some for good and some for worse.

For one, Pavan and me realized that there is no problem or argument between us that could be bigger than our relationship, bigger than us, that, we would never step out the door, anytime, mad with the other.

Every time, I feel cross with him, every time I feel I need to walkout of an argument that we’d be having..the first thing that crosses my mind are the stories of the people who didn’t get to even say a proper good bye to their lost loved ones, and what they would give to have just one more time with their loved ones, all these thoughts makes me realize how inconsequential our tiff is!  It reminds me exactly what it was…a tiff!  So miniscule!

Till this day, Pavan is unable to wash off the memories of the fire fighters he had seen as he was getting down the tower. Their faces, their smiles, their words of encouragement to the people getting down are memories that can never be expunged from our minds. 

Till this day, Pavan’s parents get panicky sitting in India, that they haven’t received a call from their son.  If they are visiting us..they don’t feel at peace until Pavan is home in the evening. The pacing of my MiL from room to room while she waits for her son to come back home in the difficult to forget or ignore, even when they are not visiting us…How she would just calm down and take a seat and watch TV as soon as Pavan walks in through the door. That day had surely changed our lives for ever.

It was last year that the kids had really realized the gravity of what happened on that Tuesday of September 11 and what it had meant for us, as a family! We had hugged and cried together for the first time after all those years with our kids, about something that happened when they weren’t even born, not even conceived! It had made me realize that my kids are not kids anymore. We had felt so blessed to be the family we are.

Sept 11 will always remain in our memories not just for the horrendous event but also for the show of great support. On one hand an event of appalling magnitude was unfolding and on the other,  it was so heartening to watch all that support from the public, of the guardian angels and good Samaritans who came out in such large numbers to help the people in need. What opposites to watch on the same day..People going out of way to help others while there were others who belonged to the same species who had created this hideous devastation, this mayhem.  And for what?!  Every reason as ridiculous as the the next.

How can religion get so messed up that it becomes a reason to wreck havoc in other’s lives?!

My blog on this last year!