Practice makes perfect or bugs perfect?!

 

Doesn’t every parent want to think that their kid is the smartest kid on the planet?  I am guilty of that thought too! Actually, if you come to think .. aren’t the kids all really?! In their own different way…but, sure! Some of them so adventurous, new languages.., new ways of thinking, new approach, with no fear of being dismissed, no fear of failure, while some, so comfortable in their own zone,  but too good in what ever they do..None of these to me, mean that one is better than the other. It just means some of them are risk takers and some of them like to play it safe. 

Some kids, very good thinkers, able to make profound statements, think deep, and some who love to be the happy go lucky kind. Some very artistically inclined and some multilingual. Some very good at articulating their feelings while some who prefer to not express as much.  Some clumsy at social skills but so good at motor skills..and vice versa.

Some hate to be put in limelight but, would love to get that much more attention from their family nonetheless. Some accept the fact that they like to be in limelight and don’t miss any opportunity to snatch one. Some so curious and some like taking things the “bindas” way. In the end its all their personality and I don't have a dearth in dealing with different personalities here in our home.

Sure they are all girls but, with personalities so varied and yet in a way all of these personalities are in some kind of a celestial sync with the other.

As best as we parents think we need to take them along a path, we would work best only as guides. Sure, we have the advantage of being experienced in life but, haven’t we also built up prejudices along the way. I remember there were so many opinions that I had as a youngster, influenced by my upbringing or the society I lived in, today those opinions have changed, some vanished and some totally opposite from what I was then. My experiences have added value to my opinions. (In my opinion, that is!)

In my view, these young minds are best left to explore themselves as they grow. We parents, sure should be available to guide them if they get stuck.. We should be there to warn them of any impeding dangers with knowledge we've gained from our past experiences  (or,  bias we’ve formed due to these very experiences)…what ever the case, in the end it is the kids who have to make a choice..which dream to follow or how. 

Ah!! so rational..so logical, so right.. all this sounds..and yet, I find it so difficult to practice..too theoretical for me!  I’m sure by the time I finish this..you’re going to tell me…. your ways are so contrary to your opinion! Just like most of you parents, faced with this dilemma called, How to be the best parent?!

Even the tiniest tot has dreams. Aren’t you bombarded with the “I wish I could do …” ,  “I wish I could have….”, type-a things from you toddler or preschooler?!

Sure, Richa’s wishes change everyday but, this preschooler does have dreams too and to that end..she will try to achieve them in the best ways she knows.  The triplets now big kids..much aware than before, steer clear of making statements..like I want to be a ------, when I grow up.  P is too confused. She seems to find herself among the smart .. and yet she feels, if she continues in that direction, will it take a toll on her artistic skills? And would her pursuing her musical talent confuse the footing even more?!

“So, what should we do when we grow up,Mama, what should we become?!” , they have asked sometimes feeling too bewildered by this placement.

Suddenly, it dawned on them, this whole aspect of what they want to become when they grow up is much more complicated than they had anticipated. It had been so simple after graduating from pre-school, when N had wanted to be a cleaning lady when she grew up..and P had wanted to be a married woman while K wanted to a computer engineer. 

“It sure will be for you to decide when you grow up..the field of study, you desire the most”, we say (clearly setting expectations) but, with a lot of disclaimers, adding some more commotion to their already disturbed minds, that, I end up making resolutions..to stop obscuring the situation further.

Sometimes they get amazed by their own capabilities because they aren’t able to see a bigger picture, as we parents are able to.  N is amazed at the rate she’s writing paper after paper in the quest to get her article selected for some magazine.  The other day..she says..self complacently..

“Isn’t it amazing that I’m reading up all these books?!”, Modesty has no place in her room! But, her sisters bring her back to reality with what else they know. And with a Dad who’s such a voracious reader himself..she has no dearth of getting the best selections.

Sometimes as parents we need to make them aware of their talents to foster their confidence, and yet sometimes, its important to make them realize that being smart is not a means to an end.  It take 5% genius but 95% perseverance to achieve a goal.

Thus stressing on the importance of practice because, in the end what will get them to succeed is perseverance alone.  They get to hear the “P” word everyday…and it does bug them..because it takes away every free moment of their life, that they plan to have..but, they have no clue what they would do with those free moments if they had been left with it. 

In such a situation, if they don’t find themselves chatting with their friends on the internet, (Speaking of which…I’m amazed how or when, these kids pick up these tools so fast.. The other day I found N meddling with the “History” tab on the browser!!)  it wouldn’t take 10 minutes for them to get into an argument with each other, in that shrill escalated voice…

“N!!!! you are disturbing me when you ….”

“How would you feel..if I did it…”
”K!!!! did you listen to me .. when I complained last?!!!!”

A busy schedule for them saves them from all these squabbles and a voice tired Mom from shouting across the Palle hallways..

“Now…Cut it out!!! “  “You have 5 secs to stop that ruckus..!”

Not that I have a plan for after the 5 secs, that would be better than shouting..but, I don’t shy from using this tool anyways..

As much as I thought that we were overdoing this “practice” thing with our kids, the other day at school .. after their musical recital at the winter concert…their school Principal made a statement that made me think..they’re being given these lectures at school too!

She referred to this eminent Psychologist and Scholar  Anders Ericsson’s 10000 Hour Rule that says..It takes approximately 10000 hours of deliberate practice to master a skill, to becoming an expert at a skill.   Which means that it would take 10 years of practicing 3 hours a day to become a master in your subject.

The kids have been made aware of the importance of practice.  The triplets feel that they master the Ragas so easily they don’t need to sit down to practice for even 2, half hour sessions a week.  Their Dad’s usual statement to the kids..

“You know kidos, I don’t have the talent to produce a note in the way its supposed to be heard..but, with determination I can make progress. If I had even a fraction of your talent..I would’ve been a rock star by now!” ,

That, he’s made this statement so many times,  it won’t surprise me if  the kids are just going to snap back “100th time Papa!”, the next time he utters it..

And I don’t miss any opportunity to emphasize this myself. About,  the importance of practicing. Exercising the voice muscle! that’s what I call it!

“Its all muscle memory that’s going to help you make all the gyrations in the voice, that you see your Guru do.. Same thing with the instruments too. “ If your fingers have to get adept at moving smoothly..”P” is the key, I try to enforce.

It was like this Principal had spoken my mind and provided enough support to hammer this thought even more into my kids. She also set the ground for me to perfectly answer their question of

“What do we do when we grow up?!”

For something you genuinely enjoy doing for its own sake, stick with it, keep learning more about it, and after a decade or so, you can't help but get good at it and feel proud of yourself.

Talent is just the 95% thing that does it for somebody, its that 5% part, where you struggle to put in time and effort into practice, what people call perseverance that would take you that extra mile….is my constant mantra to my kids, be it academics or talent!  I plan to stick to this, until they will form a Union among themselves to boycott me if I repeated that again!

How to break up?! Testing 1, 2, 3

 

Last night’s interesting conversation at the dinner table

P: “Mama, I broke up with R today!”

Insider: R is a Girl!

Mama: Last night..both of you were hugging each other and today you broke up?!

P: Yeah! I broke up with her because V is my new beast best friend. Then I came home and sent her a sorry email…

Insider: V is a girl too!!!

N: But she said she would delete P from her email listing.

Mama: You delete her too two times…. (trying to sound jocular!)

Mama: Anyways P! can you explain me how you break up?! What do you have to do…to be able to “Break Up”.

P: You shout at each other like “I can’t be with you anymore!” and walk away in the opposite direction…

Trying to illustrate the scene…

P: This is how we do it…You know Mama, V actually tested it out….She stood across the hallway and looked at me..like …

At this point Mama couldn’t help expose her poker face and burst out in a belly wrenching laughter…

The opportunities for these internet generation kids to break up and patch up…are 24x7 now.  They could just not be able to sleep through the night of a break up and just decide to send an instant message to patch up, thanks to smart phones and really generous parents who offer them the gadgets and the unlimited plan options the wireless firms offer. Really amazing, the generation we are bringing up..Are we capable of this? It made me think.

Having been trained a teacher..and with the software development experience I realize the importance of both visual aids and testing…but, this new internet generation kids have taken these concepts to a new level that’s beyond our stone age upbringing. 

I didn’t realize they had visualized breaking up to be such a visual act.   And what if the act of breaking up doesn’t create the impact its supposed to..?!  What if the process of delivering the break up routine turns out to be an “Epic Failure”, like P had described her break up test..

Now we’ll soon have ISO 9005..or , CMM level 10 certified breaking  up routines and how about certified patching up routines too. That makes more sense to me..Patching up! Undo a break up!. OMG!  Thinking about it..it does!

See…P wasn’t able to patch up with her friend R, inspite of the sorry email. There sure must be a fail safe way or maybe it depends on the personality.. Different styles for different personalities,  Fit to your size patch up routines…or one size fits all type-of routines. All tried and tested routines. Facebook or smart phone apps..to facilitate that!

My! What age do I belong to?!!! Such endless possibilities.

And schools commence (Part 1)

 

September is a month that brings back a lot of memories for me! In the form of birthdays and anniversaries. It reminds me of all the virgos in my life!!

There are happy moments and sad ones to remember too. My father, and my father-in-law both have their birthdays in September.  I lost my dad in September but, there were new additions to the family in September too!! 

Its also the month that marks the end of summer and time for my kids to be shown their rightful place to be in…Their School!!!! Time for me to tell their teachers..

”They are all yours! Fragile, Handle with care!”

For 3 long months these tiny balls of energy  ( let me use this analogy until I can..I know, I’ll soon be the tiny ball in my family, with the way the kids are growing!)  had tried all they could to make my home  a noisy, cluttered and a lively place to be in, but you see, I do treasure my quite moments.  Its time for me to reclaim that.  Its time to push them into that big yellow bus that would take them back to their schools.

Two weeks into the school, the back to school bug seems already faded out.  Now, past the scramble of getting the school supplies for our kids before they disappeared from the store shelves… I find myself settled into this new routine.

There is a calm in the air now!  The usual calm before the storm when the desks are going to flooded with homework's to be complete and checked, for projects to be done, for forms to be filled out, for decisions to be made,  which can be as silly as which string instrument to choose. Seems like that’s the biggest decision my kids are making right now!!!  Decision making hadn’t been so exciting before. They already feel the freedom..That, they are in charge of what they want to do in life   

Tiny pleasures!!!  

One decision old…and N is already taking other major decisions. She’s deciding what she wants to wear when she is going to be a teen!! Farsighted, uh!!

“Mama, can I decide what I can wear when I am a teen?!!”  Like I am the one deciding their clothes now?! Nothing’s going to change then also…I will have to shell out the bucks for her dress, when she’s a teen too! right?! All this talk, so she can wear jeggings when she is a teen..like I would mind that!! 

“Sure”, I say..”As long as you’re not showing more skin than clothes!!”

I’m sure, as inconspicuous as this permission feels now..its going to give me and her some stressful moments..some tears..some disappointments.  I’m already preparing myself for that   Actually, both of us are getting ready to face it!!

Wasn’t I talking school supplies?!! I thought so too.

This year’s school supplies list had been varied as were the teachers. Some teachers had shown ascetic trends in their demands for school supplies, while, another wanted 5 composition books, 5 spiral note books, 5+ double pocket folders..and bundles of post its and index cards and scotch tapes and water colors and crayons and color pencils and markers and sharpies and dry erase markers with different tips!! The list had felt unending.

Just as their teachers, the kids have different demands too. For their backpacks, lunch bags (that they may carry 4 times a month for the love of buying cafeteria food…WoW! I must really suck at cooking, right?!). My kids wanted a more cool look this time with sling backpacks and messenger bags (the cheapest I found at Amazon for $30…no way!!) ..and lunch bags that had no remnants of the princess era they had been through.  The bags need to have a cool retro look!

I took the easy route this time again! I went on the internet to find stuff  because the stores never have all of them. Isn’t that an easy way to shop?!  A set of markers from Crayola is going to be the same set if I find them in a store, right?! I had a lot more choice when it came to folders and sharpeners and school bags, on the internet.

I was even able to nail down the tip specifications of the sharpie marker and dry erase markers that was demanded in the school supply sheet!  Fine tip, Ultra fine tip!!! Can you believe that?! Yes, those were some of the demands.

One teacher asks for specific colored composition books for each subject while  for another, a stack of them would do! I didn’t’ realize that selecting a composition notebook can be such a tedious job. As soon as I saw the first composition book pop up in the search, I was happy to click on the quantity when my eye fell on the review that mentioned how the paper of “Mead” composition books have deteriorated over the past couple of years.

Ok! Let me look at another brand then, I thought. But, they need to be wide ruled and have a 100 sheets. Wasn’t the size specified too?!! I tried to remember. At this point,  I realize, I’m not going to waste my effort this way!

But what if I bought something that the teacher wouldn’t’ accept? What if I bought a composition book with a paisley design for its cover, because I love paisleys?  Then, the teacher could write back to me..

“Wasn’t my instructions clear enough?!!”

“Didn’t I mention MARBLE COMPOSITION BOOKS??!”

What would my daughter answer her?  What if she sat my child in  the last row for being so careless.  What if that made her decide my daughter’s grade, already?! 

Don’t they say..”The first impression is the last!”

The over protective, over indulging parent that I am..I don’t want my child to be in such a position , Would I?!!

And just as I had felt that all the items on the list have been checked off…phaattt comes another.  I’m standing at the door, welcoming my excited kids, after their first day of school!

“We need Book Socks Mama!!”, the kids come inside, saying. Is this the first thing they could talk about, after their first day at school?!

Now what is a book socks? Haven’t heard that before!

Surely, I’m not going to find a socks so big that’s going to fit in all their books..Are backpacks banned in school now for any security reasons?!!!

Turns out, it’s a fabric or stretchable wrap for a book to keep it secure. So, I’m back to the internet to order some book socks.  Now, what size was that supposed to be? I order Jumbo sizes…

After we got it…the next day, N comes back from school saying..

“Mama, the book socks doesn’t fit..its not even stretchy…”

“OK! you’ll have to do without a book socks now!!”  At this point I didn’t care if her teacher will mark any grade for her…

Collecting all the school supplies is such a pain for any parent.  The demands are so specific. Looks like the teachers make sure that its not as easily available as it was to her/him!!  Or maybe, they want to put the parents to test!! Lets see which parent is the most persistant..won’t give up so easy. or, maybe they want to check out which parent is the most resourceful kinda person. Knows where to find what!!

I feel thankful that they just request for  “A box of tissues”  and “Sanitizer” instead of  “A box of tissues with Aloe” or a “Strawberry Scented Sanitizer” because the kids might get allergic to the regular sent!!   That would have been atrocious!!

I’m happy, I’m through filling in the class supply list for this year! .. Maybe not..Am I? Well, I hope so!!

To be continued…….

My cup of Trouble or Delight!!

When the triplets had turned 9 this summer..Richa had asked me when was it going to be her birthday. Actually, she had put it better,

“How long for MY birthday, Mama?”

Hers was the only name not on the cake..during this summer birthday.  Seemed so unfair. I had answered,

“6 months, Richa!”

She had exclaimed a disappointed “Ahwwww!” like she had any clue what 6 months meant.  Even today when somebody asks her how old she is, she answers in the elaborate..

“I am 4 olds now and I will be 5 olds in Ja-nu-ary. In 6 months!”

I’ve heard this phrase called  “The terrible 2s” but, seems like in case of Richa, the 2 is just extending seamlessly across all her years.

Of late she’s been troubling her Didis to her hearts content. She steals their pencils or erasers or just about anything they are working with and runs away, inviting them to a game of tag. 

How else can she get the attention of these popular angels of our home. She hasn’t been accepted into the sorority of her sisters, yet! Frustrating enough.  They seem to talk cool stuff, get to go in this big yellow school bus along with the rest of her friends, seem to know much more than she knows or comprehends!

She just wants to be there … at their level because the possibility of them toning down a little bit and talk stuff that sounds less gibberish to her..seems like a remote option.

She’s not the type who wants to give up, is she?! She’s up for the challenge. She makes up by showing them how agile she can be…

Just sneak up to them and flick their stuff and run around. They’ll be running behind her, the next second. She knows!  Now , she has the whole troop behind her…chanting her name!  Maybe bellowing sounds closer to the truth.

All of them running behind her..yelling

“Richa!! Richa!!! Richa!!!…give it back..!”

Sounding like music to her ears, her adrenaline getting a kick. The triplets, frustrated with this guerilla attack on them..have formed a union against her for such situations. They have realized the im-pon-tence (Richa’s version of ‘importance’)  of this phrase

“United we stand..divided Richa rules!!”

One of them is available to shout out,

“Mama..Richa took our stuff!”

Another is running behind her to get it back..without hurting her, for if Richa even feels any molecule in her body move because Didi managed to get a tight hold of her..she would be ready with her version of a war cry which even includes some foot stomping, following which, her Didi would be in for a dose of Mama’s medicine. 

So, that calls for some fine handling.

The third one is hiding all the other stuff from the table so Richa would not get her hands on them. After a full summer of dealing with this, day in and out, I’d only started to breath a little easy when I realize that the start of schools didn’t mean a stop to all this.

Now that the triplets had discovered Richa the Menace, they had started to keep their doors closed to her. They would lock the door of their room from inside and almost immediately, we have holler,

“Mama, Didis are never gone let me come into their room!!!”

Then, another one follows..this time from Mama,

“PNK!!!! What’s all this?!  I said, no playing with the doors!!”

Immediately..the doors open and Didis are shouting

‘Mama, she is stealing our things!”

Now, it was time for Mama to find a place to hide…

As much as she has been troubling the living day lights of us…every thing she speaks is a delight to hear. The other day, as I was working, Richa comes to me and asks..

“Mama, Did Didis tell on me?”

“About what?!”, I ask

“That I had taken their legos and run away!  Did they tell on me?”, she asks without even realizing that she is the one who is doing the TELLING on her!

“No, they didn’t say anything.., Why are you touching their stuff, Richa?!”, I ask, now that I’m aware of what she has been up to.

“Mama, Didis are never going to let me touch their city..their lego city”, she continues…

As much as she is enjoying being the shoe stealing puppy..she is very aware of all the talk around her .. She makes it a point to stop us point blank and clarify…her big doubts!

Hubby dear, who was on a call is heard saying..

“Ok Guys..I’m going to drop off now!”

“Drop off! What are you going to drop Papa?!”, she asks immediately. Or, another time…

“Mama, what is opposite..why did you say opposite?”

Which wasn’t as difficult to explain as when she asked..

“Mama, Why do you say internet?! What is internet?!”

She had just eavesdropped on a conversation that Papa and me were having.

“Richa, its another planet. It has lots of stuff called information in it and I can get that information on to my computer through these wires..”,

I say, suddenly caught unawares, unable to use words like networks, communication and sharing, emails etc.  I suddenly realized as I blurted out what had come to mind…I really wouldn’t have been able to define it if the triplets had asked me either.

They know better now..they find it easier to “Google” than to find out what a dumb a-- Mama is!!

Sometimes its confusing to understand the kids of this generation. How much information is too much for them, you wonder?

Thinking again, I don’t think anything is too much for these kids now-a-days.  I tell you, you start explaining to them the concepts of networking and trust me they will get it, much better than you did the first time!  I have that confidence. Then, I wonder, why I hold back…

Sometimes she reminds me…as if telling me

”Make no mistake of my innocence, mama!”

Like the time I told her…that bugs will start to make their homes in her hair, if she keeps refusing to wash her hair…and she replies, saying,

“You’re funny Mama!”

The other day, after we came back from school, I tried to find out from her if she had in fact eaten her lunch or thrown it in the garbage.

I was sure she would’ve have finished the yogurt because, that’s something she can live on and not want anything else. But, I still went on..

“Richa, are you sure you finished your yogurt?!”

“Yes..Mama, I did!”

“I will talk to Ms. J and find out if you really did”, I said, intently watching her for her reaction..Waiting for her to say…”Fine! I threw a little bit, Ok!”. Instead, she answered.

“Ok!..”

“Did you finish your jelly sandwich?!”

“Yes, Mama”

“How much did you throw in the garbage?”

As she searched for the right words…I was already glowing inside..thinking..

“Ahh there! I caught you baby!!!”

“Nothing!…I placed the two slices of bread on each other and then..I ate it all up, like this!”,  she answered, acting out the whole episode!

“Ok, let me check you tummy and see if I can feel the 2 slices of bread”, I say.

I just pressed a little bit here and a little bit there on her tummy…and acted like I am touching something and said..

“Here! I can surely feel one slice of bread here!”,

“But, where’s the other slice?!”, I asked..

“Really!!!, You can feel the bread in my tummy?!”, she asks, her eyes popping out,  totally believing me..Astonished, that one can do that.

She then..stops walking and spends some time feeling her tummy for a while and says..

“Ma…that’s 2 slices of bread! I can touch 2 slices of bread!”, she said with a sly smile that she couldn’t help hiding,  totally catching me of guard and letting me know.. “It was me who was taking you for a ride all this while, missy!!”

Recently, she had her hit with a harsh reality called HOMEWORK!   That she is liable to learn stuff forcefully too!!!

She has been getting a few minutes of Music and Dance lessons from the triplets Guru and suddenly she finds herself in midst of something that she had not signed up for!!  HOMEWORK!

She was supposed to memorize the Dadra Taal. A taal constituting of 6 beats (A measure of 3 beats!) with the finger movements. The simplest of all taals.  Somehow, this didn’t come across to her as a fun activity. You see, It came to her in the form of HOMEWORK!

Wasn’t HOMEWORK..something only Didis were supposed to do?!  She never had to do this before..She was just meant to do fun stuff, where she got to decide what she was in the mood for.

There was another insider information she knew about HOMEWORKS! Mama or Papa would eventually need to check it, sometimes with..some soft words, and other times, with some more softer words…not soft enough to mean they were fun..She knew that. 

She’s now liable for all this?!! 

When did life take this weird turn?!  The consequence of approaching her 5th birthday in another 4 months now, I remind her.

Why don’t birthdays feel enticing anymore?! I could hear her insides scream.  Same shoes that I find myself too Richa, I commiserate with her mentally.

She has suddenly understood the importance of remaining a small kid…

“Mama, I’m a baby still, you know!”, she reminds me. Already fearing a backlash, she adds,

“Fine!!! I’m not a baby, right, I’m bigger but, still a tiny kid!”, she says, trying to defend her stand, for not being subjected to any homework!

Sitting with me…as I’m trying to teach her this sequence of 6 funny words, to be repeated in a pattern, and she stares at me and says..

“I don’t know how to say that Mama”

She has learnt it early enough..agreeing to do some homework today, will be like asking for more, tomorrow!

Here I am…with my hands on my head, trying to hold on to whatever sanity is left while some more seeps away, well aware, that this girl will soon be doing all these things expected of her…Only, the road to getting there, doesn’t seem like an easy one. And, I wonder..why everybody asks me..

“Triplets!!! How did you take care of them?” 

Weren’t they the easiest, I wonder.

Inertia – Part 1

What a great concept, such a wonderful idea, as fundamental to physics that this fact is considered, I wonder how man survived without this knowledge before Newton one day, said ..a body will continue to be in a state of rest or uniform motion until acted upon by some external force.

Why?! even the fact that the earth itself is actually in a state of uniform motion,…and not static as it appears to be!  Where would the human race be without this basic knowledge?!

I had the joy of watching this concept in action today, in the most awe inspiring way. When I was made aware of this fact in physics class..in school. I opened my jaw and had exclaimed “Ooooo!” and “Aaahhh!”.  It had made total sense. That’s why!  I hadn’t dared to jump out of a running bus or train ( if one travels by public transport in Hyderabad, or for that matter, any metropolis in India, we know, these opportunities presents itself by the dozens each day!) because I knew I could fall and get hurt.

I just couldn’t prove why it happens so, scientifically, until that day, in physics class when I got bitten by enlightenment, with Newton’s laws of motion. Particularly, the tendency of a body to resist a change in motion.

Anyways, all those laws were for inanimate things, weren’t they?! Sure, their laws of motion are affected by things such as  weight, friction, gravity. But, when we consider animate things like for eg..Humans. Especially human beings working out in the gym. How could one apply the laws of motion on these creatures?  I don’t think the same rules could apply here.

Although, I should add that one part of the law may still be applicable to us. The part, where we have the tendency to remain in a state of constant rest, because, I myself have had the opportunity to experience it countless times, when I settle down on my couch or bed..My body prefers to stays in that state, until its disturbed violently by external forces like my family…

Ask Hubby dear!! He’ll have a longer list to divulge. All those times he thinks, I am guilty off such luxuries, most of which I wouldn’t agree with of course! But then, he has a right to his opinion, isn’t it?! Its always what I tell him when I want to disagree with him :-) …

So, coming back to inertia, we know, it has a lot of factors associated with it, like body mass, resistance, force etc. But, what I saw on that particular day went beyond that. I saw this lady in the gym who was running on the treadmill, for more than an hour. What made it so amazing was that she seemed to be in a state of rest…as she ran on it for the whole hour and some more. What an inspiring sight it was.

If one noticed her upper body, it seemed to be in a state of rest..unless one noticed the lower part of the scene where, her legs were moving lightly on the treadmill, at a constant speed, that would almost have been true!

She was of a heavier set. Surely heavy, I would say.  SO, defying the law of motion, how could she manage to keep herself in that state of uniform motion/rest, for more than an hour?  Don’t more things come into play, when its the humans that are involved, especially when they are working out? I mean, other than her physical body mass, the momentum in her stride that helped her take the next…etc, shouldn’t will power and stamina also come into the picture here?

She had immense amount of all this, It was obvious. I was on a elliptical at a fair distance from her, glancing at her now and then.  I had gone an hour on the elliptical too. I had an inspiring sight to get me through that hour. Something like that should have fired up my will power to do more, right?! But, in an hour, I had wanted to stop. I was tired. The inspiration wasn’t powerful enough to invigorate me with this energy I failed to generate,  after a while. 

Isn’t that the reason why I go to the gym to workout? To get inspired by fellow exercisers and workout more, apart from the fact that its a state of the art gym… and the bonus of experiencing the steam room.

Feeling deplorable, I realized that I needed to prove to myself that I could be in a state of rest, while being in a state of uniform motion, as well!

This thought never occurred to me before, but, wouldn’t it be so cool, if we could take a nap, while we ran on the treadmill.   Our bodies could be in a state of rest, just like the lady on the treadmill,  while being in a state of uniform motion. As oxymoronic as it sounds, it would surely be cool if that could be achieved, like we were in a spa getting a manicure or a pedicure while we relaxed.

Actually, from what I hear now-a-days about the weight loss pods etc, the thought doesn’t seem as atrocious.  But, it would be like a chef who uses canned stuff to cook a meal.  That’s not a challenge! The fun is all in cooking the meal from scratch right!  So, wanting to achieve this constant state of motion, I embark on a plan that will be laid out and executed, in the next part!!!

The Paper, The Information, The Conclusion!

My reading mostly entitles anything printed I could lay my eyes on..from any source, as I sit in front of my computer and browse the internet, or cursorily glance through the news paper, magazines (while I wait in the pediatrician’s office or the physical therapist’s office to help me fix my back or neck ). It could be the most pointless of articles or the most touching, intelligent or wittily written blog entry. Basically, any small non-fiction articles.

Fiction and non-fiction BOOKS seem totally off limits for me at this point, for lack of time and focus. Yeah! I have the attention span of a toddler.  I never grew up in that respect. Look at me, I brag about this like I’m so proud of my accomplishment and then, get mad at my kids if they exhibit the behavior. Maybe, I can also add “reason” to my list of “never-grew-up” stuff. No wonder, I feel so much at home with my kids and they with me!

Since mistakes do happen, I do sometimes get carried away by a book or two, like I used to in those bygone days....but then, Richa will not spare a moment to remind me, what else I should be putting my mind into, like, a tiger game where I get to be the crawling tiger and also get to catch her while she runs around, or, the triplets would remember, they needed  help with their homework just when the clock strikes the gong to inform them,

“Lights off, Its Sleepy time”

just enough to get me back into my nagging routine of how irresponsible they had been, to save this for this hour. Or, they would have created a show, ready for us to watch.

Luckily, creativity is not alien to them as it had been to me  So, this situation of mine, where I crib so much about lack of time..seems to be a win win for me.  After, blaming my lack of reading on,

“Why aren’t there 30 or 50 hours in a day?”

and my kids, I do eventually, get to do lots of fun stuff that I like and a little bit of parenting too in the process.

The one newspaper I get a lot to read, (or skim through) thanks to Hubby dear who doesn’t want to subscribe to any other, is the Wall Street Journal, or WSJ. Its one paper that needs some conditioning to get used to, just like one needs to condition your tongue to Thai food. I remember the first time I had it..couldn’t stand that weird taste.

Seemed so close in taste to an Indian curry yet, there seemed to be some flavor that spoiled the whole dish.  While all the others among our group were hoggin on saying..Yum! ( I remember one colleague from work, who used to use all the paper towels at the table to wipe the sweat of  his forehead  and still continue to order cut green chilies' on the side, apart from his extra hot red curry order.), I was unable to appreciate it.

Coming back to this WSJ, it comes like this big fat book and looks so raw and in no sense attractive. There are hardly any pictures..just reams and reams of paper with letters and numbers printed so tiny, that a person with a 20/20 vision would need a magnifying glass to read. There is nothing that hints “Masala” on it. There is no “E!” news anywhere.

Eventually..after a little struggle, one gets to know the spots to find the “Masala” news! Not the “Masala” we Indians know Masala as, but, what WSJ wants you to construe it as.

The way this paper is read..works like this. Its delivered early in the morning even before sunrise, wrapped in sheets of plastic. Most people commuting by train read this ( ignoring the ones that yap on the phone sitting beside you ), like its their indispensible caffeine, only, they need a cup on the side, with that real hot beverage too, to help assimilate the stuff in the paper lest, it puts them to sleep! Once people reach their destinations…there are newspaper bins all around where those papers are disposed off. But, Hubby brings them back for me, most times, like he used to, for my Dad, during the time he visited us when the triplets were born.

My Dad,  was a diabetic, blind in one eye, and could hardly see much from the other too. He was always spotted with this big magnifying glass trying to make out words from those tiny prints of the WSJ. He used to hold on to each letter until he figured out the word and consequently the sentence.  The visual of him bent on that paper with the magnifying glass, still so clear in my head. WSJ had managed to capture his interest too.

You would realize how difficult this process of getting used to reading newspapers like WSJ is,  if you would come across the Indian newspapers like “Indian Express” or “Deccan Chronicle” or “The Hindu” and many others that are circulated, in the city I come from, in India.

Those have big pictures, quite a few tasteless, without any censor when it came to showing crime scenes, of Movie stars and socialites. If there wasn’t a scam to report, or a political scenario where some politician, had not changed parties, or, forming a new one, news bits like, “John Abraham insures his tush for 10 Crores” would be top news. (That’s the bit I read when I was in India last summer).  There is no dearth of such “Masala” and the newspaper is so light almost without any grammage attached to it. Used to be fun reading them.

That I’m stuck with WSJ now, aware of what's happening with the Arab nations right now, I start to turn the pages. I’m not interested that Facebook raised $50 billion with help of Goldman Sach’s or that there is a poll on how people perceive Apple’s Steve Jobs leaving the company for health reasons, or that Goggle’s CEO is very smart but most times very rude too. That he idolizes Steve Jobs or that Jobs has been on medical leave again..or that, walkway rage is as real as road rage or that ICU treatment has been shown to cause some brain damage in the long term due to keeping patients sedated for long durations.

What caught my attention was this tiny article that said that a happy marriage is always about finding the right sized partner. Immediately, my mind raced around sizing up myself with Hubby and many other couples,  and sizing them up against their partners weight wise and height wise! I’ve seen couples where the man is tiny compared to the woman, or couples where the man is as tall as a tower and the wife a tiny midget, ( our classic Big B couple, right! ). Were they happy?! 

I continue to read, research mentions that as the years progressed in ones marriage…men with body mass index greater than his wife’s were found to be happier.  Similarly, in a woman’s case, the happiness index in her marriage stayed put or increased if she was tinier than her man.  So, all happiness in marriage melted down to one thing that I myself, had been struggling all along to achieve, in my marriage too. The woman needs to be tinier than her man. I mean … Thinner than her man! But, how does one achieve that with a Hubby like mine?!

I know Hubby dear loves challenges, but, why does he have to choose mine for me?  He could have made this easier on me..by keeping his BMI higher than mine, right? No! he will go ahead and reduce his BMI further and brag about it too!  Then, he tops it by convincing me over the years..that, it didn’t matter to him, that I’m out of shape, I’m fat, or growing older.  He would love me irrespective of anything, even if my BMI was more than his, reminding me that my BMI was more than his :-(

Somehow, I knew all those sweet words were too good to be true. Now, research has proved it so. It had opened my eyes as to why Hubby dear would insist that I work out, and keep fit.  For my own self, and for our kids, he had said. He had conveniently put all that “To be liked” onus back on me! How do I convince him..I already am in love with myself. I have always been..since the day I came alive into this world. The most selfish kind of love.

So, I decide to take on this challenge of getting my BMI below his disgustingly low 1#% (I’m guessing its around 13-14 maybe, who knows, could be less too!). I increased the pace of my workouts, reduced the amount of food, but, I see no signs that I’m anywhere close to my goal. I struggled everyday..to ignore all this food around me, as I work out in the kitchen, washing dishes and cooking while he easily looks through all this food around..like it was just thin air. .

With just enough salt to dress my wound, he’ll have a smoothie for lunch like his magic metabolic rate needs it, while I would think of what’s for lunch, after having the smoothie.  Wouldn’t the world have been a better place for me, if I had not caught a glimpse of this article? Ignorance is so blissful. And if it is so..why even bother thinking so much, my lazy mind reminds me?

There’s more to add to my woes. Its never so bad that it can’t get worse, right?! There was another article waiting to catch my attention on another page…on something called the “Gut Brain”. I had always had this Gut feeling that something more was to come.

So, this article tells me, our Gut has nerve cells as many as the brain of a cat and it can tell the bigger brain, the one that resides inside our head..that its not hungry anymore and that, it should turn on the “not hungry” sign now. That, the hand should stop approaching the food. That the eyes shouldn’t find the site of food appealing anymore..and its smell, should feel nauseating!

How come my Gut Brain wasn’t wired like that? My Gut Brain did many more things than what was mentioned. My gut brain had made me feel “Panic” when confronted with a difficult situation. It had made me feel weak in my knees and made it wobbly. My gut brain only gave me “Butterflies” in  my tummy, when I felt nervous, like the time when the results of my exams were to be announced. It had made my tummy feel that “Weird” feeling when Pavan came close to me for the first time. The feeling very well used in this blog and described by Hobbes from “Calvin and Hobbes”.

My gut brain had made my head feel  “Giddy” and my heart “Stop”  when we couldn’t spot one of the triplets in the mall..while they played a prank on us at the mall. ( That was the day we had decided never to go to the mall with the kids.)

I remember, holding on to my tummy for support, squeezing it, like something was jumping inside, during such situations.   But, It never told me that I needed to stop eating because I wasn’t actually hungry during the times, I wasn’t hungry and still hogging away to glory. In fact, I ate more in such situations.

“I had told you this all along, didn’t I?! “, squealed Hubby dear,

to remind me, I didn’t need to eat as much as I do..when I mentioned to him about this Gut Brain.

“I need all that food Dear!!” I screamed,  “How will I be able to do all that work I have in the day? I hardly get to sit down in the day!”

So, I decide, I’m now going wait for those foods that Nestle and others are developing that’s going to be very slow to process by the Gut..and going to makes one feel full very soon. The 2 main signals that the Gut Brain is able to tell the bigger brain that makes us less hungry, and feel full for longer!

Then I come to the disappointing part of the news..

”it’s going to be 5 more years to see them in the market”, I read.

“Oh! what a torture!”

In the end..I give up and realize, there is no way to satisfy Hubby dear.

“My BMI is never going to be lesser than Hubby dear’s” and if our marriage is to continue with its happy days, it’ll have to do that in spite of my BMI compared to my Hubby’s or my Gut Brain refusing to tell me..that I’m not actually hungry.Or how about, I just change to reading another newspaper.

But, then I’ve noticed in the recent past, the articles that were short listed by Hubby dear from the WSJ, later caught on with the other networks and newspapers as well, means, there is no winning in this situation.

Then I remembered the old couple I saw last summer, as they were going about their evening walk talking with each other, engrossed in each other, listening to each other, so preoccupied with each other. Nothing around the world mattered more to them, than each other. The man was tiny and short,  the woman huge compared to the man. They looked so satisfied and happy together.  Did it even matter that the woman’s BMI was more than her man’s? Did it even matter that the woman was not tinier than her man? That’s the picture that brought back the calm in me and I told myself, I need to trust my Gut some more.

I went down to the kitchen and had a sumptuous meal. :D

Freakonomics to Parenting

The day I completed Chetan Bhagat’s “2 States”, a decade long ice had been broken.  Hubby dear was so pleased. I saw this twinkle in his eyes. He is a voracious reader.  He is not the type who likes to put his hands in many jars like me..but, he sure likes to spend all the time, he can spare, reading.  So, that weekend when, I had finished the book,  he and the kids had taken this big duffle bag to the library. They returned after 2 hours. He had not bought books for himself, they were all for ME!!!

“I gave you this much hope!!” I exclaimed.

He had thought that at last..I will be able to share his passion with him in spite of the handicap we both know, I have..

“no time!”

He had gotten this huge stack of uninteresting books..on the art of writing, and many other topics he thought I would be interested in. I had immediately put those books for recycling. Nevertheless, I had felt like I needed another book to start reading.  So, of all the books from his library, I picked this one..the one, I had already heard lots about from Hubby dear and the world..”Freakonomics”. He had assured me that I would find it very interesting. 

“There is a lot of analysis in that book that you would find interesting..and you wouldn’t need to have an analytical mind too! “, he mocked.

Analysis of how people react to incentives.  How the 3 flavors of incentives, economic, social and moral, as a whole, drive people towards different goals, and, lot more conclusions on human behavior collected from numbers lying all around us. He explained how it all boils down to knowing what to measure and how to measure..to make a complicated world, not so complicated.

For example, How can one decide the price on a pint of blood?! If it were set to $5000 a pint, we could have ended up with blood being stolen at knife point and at the same time, if instead of praise,  the donors, were given a small incentive like  $50/pint..how we would have a steep decline in blood donors. 

I was at this book for more than a month now, trying to get through as many pages I could everyday. It served as my read, during the nights, when I returned from my workout at 10pm..smelling all fresh, with an alert mind, in need of some food for thought, or, any material that could put me to sleep. The whatever worked mantra! Ready to take on the heaviest or dullest subject on earth to decipher..my mind was up for this challenge, to see, who would triumph..The sleep fairy or my not so thinking mind!!

You see, I don’t have the luxury to claim…

”I think. Therefore, I am!!” 

like that famous 17th century thinker (Rene Descartes) had put it..Unfailingly, night after night, the sleep fairy would win.

Now that I completed it..should I feel a little wiser? Maybe, maybe not, I’m not sure!  I know now, I can ask any silly question and that’ll be considered good. Good for the new field called “Freakonomics”. There’ll be data in the world to support an answer for any weird question.

Well, this rogue economist, Steve Levitt,  had founded a new subject called “Freakonomics” based on his silly questions..like

“What’s the relationship between sumo wrestlers and school teacher"?”.

He had even answered it by saying, “Both of them cheat!”.  And there is a pattern to this cheating.  Even when the whole Chicago school system was tested, they could pin point those particular class teachers who had manipulated the test scores of her/his class, who had cheated. They had also found the best teachers. The reason for cheating was because of the incentives the teachers had..for good results of their students just like the sumo wrestlers.

He lets us into the realtors mind, who wouldn’t put that extra effort on the clients home that would fetch maybe another $150 (in net) extra into her pockets vs, the same extra effort that would have gotten her $10000 for her own home.  It was shocking to know that we find more c-sections in areas with lesser child births. Showing that everybody is no less a rogue than a criminal.

One of the most astounding analysis was the reason of the drop in crime rate in the 1990’s being related to the historic Roe Vs Wade case that legalized abortion in the 1970s.  None of the officials in the government (federal or state) could effectively pin point the reason for this to happen, and were busy trying to point it to increased and long sentencing of criminals or increased patrol etc..none of which had any changes to be effective reason. 

These unborn children who were aborted by moms mostly would have belonged to unstable families..without any support from the dad..and most of these babies if born, would have grown up to join the criminals. This case almost wiped out a whole generation of would be criminals…the author says!!

But, the conclusion that surprised me the most was this analysis that…it doesn’t matter how much one reads to their child everyday..or if, the child’s mother didn’t work between birth and kindergarten or that  the child attended head start or that the child watches more TV. All these doesn’t affect the child’s scores.

With TV’s and other media brain storming parents and guardians to read more to the child to have a better tomorrow, to inspire in the child, a life time of learning.  How can this make sense?!

Parents who are well educated, successful, and healthy tend to have children who test well in school. But, it doesn’t seem to much matter whether a child is trotted off to museums or spanked or sent to head start or frequently read to, or plopped in front of the TV. the author says. 

According to him, all these child rearing techniques don’t matter, its what the parents are that matters. So, it doesn’t matter what we do as a parent, but who we are that has a bearing on the success of a child.   Exactly in the authors words

“An overbearing parent is a lot like a political candidate who believes that money wins the elections – whereas in truth all the money in the world can’t get a candidate elected if the voters don’t like him to start with”

So, even before we pick up the parenting book..most of the things that would matter for the child’s success is already decided. Genetics plays a huge role, he says.

Isn’t this totally against the buzz that is going on in the street today after the “Why Chinese Moms are superior” article published in the Wall Street Journal by Amy Chau?  The Chinese and many Asian parents have been known to produce children with top math scores and music prodigies, with their tough parenting styles. The reason, this Tiger mom says, that her kids were able to excel in math, spelling, music, is because of the tenacious  practice they are made to do, seven days a week, vacations included and they had no choice but, to follow this demand of their parents which includes, no play dates, no sleepovers, not being allowed to take part in school plays and any extracurricular activities, if allowed, would be chosen by the parents.

To her, this harsh parenting style, hard work, persistence, and no patience for excuses is the prescription of success of her children, the best way to equip her children for their future!!

If you all remember, this article, an excerpt from her book, “The Battle Hymns of a Tiger Mom”, is supposed to have generated more than 100000 comments on Facebook, the day it was published.  Amy Chau had sent the whole nation of parents wondering, outraged and defensive, with her ruthless parenting strategy.  Wondering, if they are adequately preparing their children for a global economy, or, they should be outraged at her ruthlessness as a parent. 

It has sent the whole nation of journalists trying to size up US and China, be it their economies or the national scores in math and reading. TIME magazine showed statistical data that China has gotten way ahead of where US stands in term of its patents, science and engineering publications, even the scores relating to Math and reading.

Child Psychologists say that ..

• children who are protected from difficult tasks, grow into emotionally brittle young adults, more vulnerable to anxiety and depression while kids who have earned such mastery..are very optimistic and decisive.
• Children who are shielded from pain and praised for little or no accomplishments will more likely turn down a challenging task, whereas, kids who are lauded for their hard work, were more eager to take on demanding new exercises.

And neurosciences says..that, “Repetition is how the brain remembers”. This is the key to mastery. Sure the Tiger mom was out to achieve this mastery in her kids..but, at what cost. Should it weigh more than treating your kid like a human first? Isn’t that over parenting, she is doing? Isn’t it also true that

“Smart and happy are inseparable. Pursuing your child’s intellectual success at the expense of his happiness achieves neither”

Shouldn’t this be the goal of parenting? To raise smart kids by fostering them to explore and make them understand the importance of success rather than treating your kids like your performance review or your merit card, as a reflection of your own status. This should not be the goal of parenting!!

If you consider the Finnish Education system…the Finland's school’s scores rank the top most in the world with respect to Reading and Math, yet the kids have the fewest number of class hours compared to the other developed world. Also, their kids are almost 7 years old by the time they start main school. So, should it matter that the harsh parenting styles are necessary to equip our kids for the global economy?!

After reading all these things..and getting myself confused in different ways..I’ve arrived at my conclusion that moderation in parenting is a must too. Over parenting is as bad as under parenting. Even though..I do push my kids to things that I didn’t get access to as a kid..like music, dance and arts..it is important for me that I don’t tax them such that the beauty of this exercise is lost to them. 

Apologizing!

There are always situations everyday, when we end up hurting people around us..either intentionally or unintentionally, by our choice of words, by our actions.  The world agrees, the only plausible thing that should follow such situations, is an apology, an act of genuine remorse.

What is one’s idea of a sincere apology? Should it show compassion and humility? Should it mean “I’m sorry for what I did, I realize I hurt your feelings and I can see, you are suffering”, and take responsibility for the situation? Be it for hurting somebody’s feelings, or betraying somebody’s trust, missing an appointment, or being late, or any other myriad reasons there could be. 

But, how many times have we really apologized to the person we wronged with this intent? Isn’t an earnest apology, so much easier said than done? Many times, one is not able to translate these feelings into words. Could it be due to being callous,  insensitive, that, one doesn’t even realize, somebody is hurt, or, are we just being cautious? Is it due to our inflated ego, or, our own self righteous attitude?!!!  The Wall Street Journal..writes that women apologized more than men!  Mostly, men are so hard boiled to even understand that they have offended somebody.

They are wired that way…it says!

How convenient…I say!

Most of the times…they are apologizing …just to end the drama. They don’t even know what wrong was done!

Look at this clip that was published in Wall Street’s Personal Journal.  What are some of the apologies that we have used from the ones listed below? Other than the only type of apology that matters, which is “a sincere apology”, many of us have done all these types of apologies, isn’t it?…

The most used that I have seen around me, is the Strategic Apology. I didn’t even need to train my toddler at it. She’s already an expert at it. Its the most favorite of mine too! A perfect solution to a difficult situation with Hubby dear.

Lets consider my toddlers apology. If only I could execute a quarter value of her apology to hubby dear, we would be the sweetest couple on the block. Only, I don’t have a sweet tooth :-)

When Richa finds herself cornered, she has no qualms about apologizing to mommy or her siblings. She does it with little resistance.  With her Didi’s, they hug her before she could blurt the words out. With me, she comes to me with those kitty eyes..(the ones that puss shows in Shrek 3) and hugs my legs, pulls my hands around her to hug her..and its done!

To her, its the best way to get out of a hot seat. It not only means that she’s sorry that she got caught doing it..but, also

“Lets stop talking further about this now that I’ve apologized”.

This apology doesn’t guarantee that she’ll not be repeating it again, thanks to her toddler mind, which remembers all the privileges that she is eligible for, but goes easy, on her memory of things, she should not be doing, although, there’s always a promise of not repeating at the table. I guess, parenting has made us smart enough to elicit this out of our kids, however meaningless that might be!

I’ve done a lot of such apologies too, when I’m not interested in continuing an argument with Hubby dear, when I didn’t feel like it was my fault, or that, what I said shouldn’t have been construed the way it was, or, when we are each talking apples and oranges, when each of us feels that our opinion is right…Then, the easiest way I see, is to, apologize my way out of the situation. A strategic apology is what I end up with.  But, with the time that we’ve been together, we are able to gauge this of each other..We’ve each gotten smarter at it. At making such an apology and deciphering one too!

Now the process of demanding a categorical apology starts. He starts to find out..why I’m apologizing because, in the course of our argument we’ve already hurt each other much more than we initially started out with. So, this apology is for the previous faux pas/opinion  (Aren’t we entitled to our opinions, anyways?!) , or, for the deliberate hurting comments that followed later, or both, becomes necessary to know. The categorical apology becomes necessary.  It sometimes, runs the risk of becoming a Too-Late apology! 

“You’ve hurt me further,  Now, there’s no undoing, I feel even terrible. Leave me alone!!!!”,  I would end up saying to Hubby dear.

“ How can you be so cruel?”.  Almost bullying him into rubbing his nose to the ground, for peace between us.

There is another silver line I have! The Kids!  They go to Papa asking him to finish this argument off, between us.  Papa dear cannot refuse this of the kids. After that request..nothing matters.  Still, it would sometimes run the risk of becoming a Defensive Apology, or a Contingent Apology like ...

“I’m sorry, if what I said was hurting..but, you shouldn’t have said….blah blah…”

or

“I’m sorry, if I hurt you with my opinion..I was just expressing mine…blah blah..”

How would I classify the apology that happens between my triplets?  Most times, the apology they give to each other, does turn into a sincere heart felt one, although, it usually doesn’t start off like that.  To quell a tense situation between them..is one hard thing for me to deal with…

Especially, when they start to bawl and let out boat load of tears, as they are just about to apologize to their siblings. On our instruction, of course!! We, as their parents, had found them guilty..and their punishment, an apology.

Sometimes, P had described the reason for her breaking down, to her feeling of intense regret. Basically, she was very sorry for being such a jerk..for being caught!  Not only is it a pain to play a judge and find out who is wrong and who is not, who should apologize in a battle between them,  we are in for this tearful extravaganza that we need to quell too!!

Once something like that starts, I tell you, its hard to reason out with them, its hard to say if they are listening to us, if they understand us.  How many times haven’t we parents found ourselves in such a situation, and ..wanted the kids to sort out their fights between themselves? 

Not only does it become hard to judge, I get carried away with the kid who is able to put forth their case in the most logical way ( conforming to my contorted sense of logic of course!), even though this kid must be at fault and is very good at covering up her fault. Now what results is an undeserved title for the mom. Unfair Mom! Mean Mom! Partial Mom!

How we try to dodge these titles each day can be a book in itself, right Moms? (Reminds me!  I’m speaking/thinking just like my parents did when they were in our shoes!  Reminds me! of the saying. “Once we start justifying what our parents did, we are old!”)

All this said..I can’t but, have all praise for my children when they do end up apologizing to each other. The intensity and honesty with which they hug and cry holding each other. Its a lesson for me to learn. Instead of me setting an example to them..they make this class on contrition, seem like a breeze to me. I learnt that its just the first move that’s difficult to make. After that…everybody feels good.  We end up with cleansed souls..and hearts, so much lighter.  The world looks like a fair place again, right?!

What about the statistics that mention, we offer more apologies to strangers than loved ones.  How many of you’ll find yourself apologizing to perfect strangers or your friends more often? Either you brushed against them inadvertently in a crowd..or, you just have to ask them..what the time is, or, you just came to know u’r friend had not been well or ,you’re just at a loss of words that “Sorry” seems the right thing to say.

I surely can count myself among this breed who is able to apologize to a stranger/friend at the drop of a hat, to the point that sometimes, the number of times I utter “Sorry” is counted. On the same note,  I find it very difficult to do the same when it comes to my loved ones.  As I grew up…my new found independence had made it very difficult for me to apologize to my parents or my siblings. Now, its my spouse that I find the most difficult to apologize to.

“What if I apologize? Won’t I get vulnerable?..This is going to be in my record for the rest of my life, that I was the one who had erred!”  Many times, truth is a matter of ones opinion so, it gets hard to even convince the hubby,  that it was he who was wrong, not me! It is I, who deserves the apology and not vice versa.

Every time we argue…Won’t I be brought back to this situation?..to let me know, I had been at fault! 

“You had apologized too!”  I will be reminded by hubby dear!

Forgetfulness and our choice of memories make this an even complicated issue. You can understand how hard this can get. Especially between spouses.

Many times, as parents we err in our judgment of our kids in a situation..maybe due to the kids reputation.  I’ve learnt to apologize to my kids very gracefully in such cases. If I expect my kids to apologize in a situation..I need to learn to be honest myself, right?! Gone are the days when they were toddlers and when everything we said appeared right!

I hope this exercise will let me learn to apologize to Hubby dear with the same grace too! Apologies are very powerful. They end wars. They provide comfort when one is hurting. It helps in alleviating difficult situations when the apologizer takes responsibility of the wrong doing and lets the person suffering understand, “I know the hurt I have caused..I’m so sorry”. 

If I am able to imbibe in me, even a little bit of  that air, with which my kids come to me and hug me and say “I’m sorry Mama, I won’t do that again”, as they are leaving for school,  or, when they come to me and hug me “Good Night Mama”  in spite of the fact that I was just mad at them for some reason, I am going to be pleased with myself.. 

All my frustrations and anguish,  vanishes in that moment they apologize so sincerely to me! I hug them so tight and all the love babbles start to roll out of my mouth.  It makes me feel bad that I even got mad at them.

If apologizing is so relieving..so comforting to both..Shouldn’t I be able to do it to hubby dear and he to me, too?!

Perspective or Wiring?

Today we were back to the same scene that used to be so common  more than a decade ago.  Pavan was driving and I was trying to find the street from the map, I was holding. Yeah! I realize we are in the GPS generation. But, Pavan being Pavan, never gets out of the house without knowing exactly where his destination is. He never trusts the software in cases where he feels he could make a better decision of the route.  With respect to directions, Pavan has this uncanny ability to find his way to civilization even if he is completely lost in the forest. So, today again, we got the printout of the streets close to our destination and set out to reach and as we closed in…we had to look for a street.

“Can you tell me, how many blocks to Nothingham Way?” he had asked me.

“Where are we?” I asked.

“On East Main Street” he said.

Looking at the map

“I can’t find that”, I almost shrieked…getting to my usual state in such situations.

WIthout even turning his head, Pavan pointed to the area of the map, almost putting his finger on name of the street.  This had always been the case since the time I knew him.  We used to go on these long drives and he would be fully equipped with his map-o-rama. When not driving, I used to get the job of keeping track of which street is where, or, how many blocks to reach a  street.

Unfailingly, I had always failed to find the street on the map, which had been there since that paper got printed.  I would claim the street didn’t exist.  He as usual, would continue driving and without even turning his head, would lift that finger of his and bring it to rest on the paper I was holding and magically the name of the street would be printed there.

“How did I miss that?” I would think.

“How in the world he knew where to point?” I would think too.

Now, changing the scene to our home. I spend a great deal of time to make sense of our home. Cleaning the kitchen counter tops, replacing the books and toys and crayons and the bazillions toys that were not supposed to move out of the toy room only to see them get misplaced within an hour. Fold away tons of laundry only to find the same ton of clothes appear back in the laundry. Wash the stove of the sticky stuff , clean that stuff from the microwave and many many many many more such stuff. Once done, I don’t think anybody would be able to show me even a speck on the floor that I moped or a dot on the counter top I wiped.  Sometimes, when I am unable to do these things I depend on the cleaning lady and other times, Pavan agrees to do a teeny tiny bit for me.

All the time, they are trying to help me, I am busy looking at all the dots and specks and stains they missed. All those things just pop out like gigantic dirt particles in front of my eyes. I try to ignore them. Sincerely! I really try! But, I am unable to do that.  Without turning towards the spot, I would be able to point out all the 1001 specks they left behind.  I remember, when my mom had cleaned up the kitchen floor during her visit to our place around Richa’s delivery, I just couldn’t ignore that tiny stain that she forgot to wipe out.  I had bent and cleaned that up..

“You have eagle eyes” my mom had remarked in her language.

But, why are these eagle eyes not effective when it comes to reading maps? I am almost sticking that paper to my nose trying hard to find that street I’m supposed to find. Maybe, that’s the reason I never find it..because, I’m sticking it to my nose. Whatever the reason, the same guy who is so good at finding the street on the map written in the tiniest of print, even while driving…is not able to see all that dirt that is getting left behind while cleaning?  The women who can find the tiniest of dirt particle when cleaning is unable to find the name of that street on a map whose print is much bigger than those specks of dust?! 

Perspective or Wiring?

Whatever it is. There is something in all of us that makes us ignore what we are not interested in. Or, we look at things the way we want to see it. For example, take Richa.

She ran to me when I picked her up at school, with her project as usual…

“Look at my project mama” she said

“I made a sun, I made grass”, she said

“Wow!!!!” I had exclaimed. I had understood all that.

Then she had said

“I made an ee-ch Mama”

Just finding scribbles on the paper..

“You made an itch?” I had questioned her trying to understand what the itch was and she had repeated the same.

Then, I found the itch….it was done in red and it looked like this

“H”

It had been so obvious for her.

Perspective or Wiring?!

Hyderabad as I saw it!

Technorati Tags: Charminar,People,Hyderabad,Photoes,Traffic

In an earlier blog on Charminar, I had recounted a story of how we were robbed on these streets by the burkha clad women, of valuables, some of which were priceless.  I had eventually overcome my fear of this place and had gone in search of a tailor who would be able to stitch Kathak costumes for my triplets. So, one fine day, it was time for me to go to this intimidating place once again. Of course, to check out the costumes the tailor must have made ready by now.

This time, I got brave and decided to take my camera along and nothing else on me. No money, No purse..just my camera which I was going to hold so tight that the strongest mugger wouldn’t be able to flick from my hands even at ……. point.  And why not click pictures on the way of people, some weirdoes, some sites (Beautiful or not..!) too.. Here I present pictures from the streets of Hyderabad which I wasn’t able to illustrate in an earlier blog.

The law abiding Indian, off to work on his bike with a helmet. Maybe the only helmet shot I took.

 

Huge uncomfortable movie hoardings for display on the streets.  Common site around Hyderabad. Are the administrators so in-sensitive?

 

I am a big fan of terracotta displays... I have quite some collection in my home. There are some very beautiful pieces here in this roadside stall. Bird baths, and rural musician sculptures, horses and elephants and bullock carts, Ganesha’s,  wind chimes and lanterns. Too good and a treat for people like me who enjoy decorating my home with such stuff.  Especially, love the new Terracotta wind chimes…

Notice the nursery behind this terracotta display. Beautiful tropical plants.

 

Multitasking!!  in the backdrop of these little terracotta wind chimes. Why Mr.Hyderabadi? Don’t you care for yourself and your family?

 

A gypsy family’s home on the road side. Making and selling bow and arrows.

 

The young corporate crowd on the crossroads of Paradise (Secunderabad). There was no pun intended. This place is really called Paradise. The Name comes from the big hotel called Paradise. It is so famous for its Chicken Biryani, called Paradise Biryani. I haven’t gotten to eat it, since I am a vegetarian.

 

A traffic police man, single handedly managing this unruly traffic.  Kudos to him! They have to stand at the spot for long hours in rain (haven’t seen them having raincoats) , and hot sun with temperatures of 100F and more. Their only weapon , their whistle, which feels faint in the deafening honks of the million vehicles around.

 

The view of the on coming traffic from inside the vehicle on tankbund road. This is one of the picturesque locations of Hyderabad, with the Hussain sagar lake to the right (when I’m going towards Nampally).

 

The statue of the Buddha on the Hussein Sagar Lake and that foggy atmosphere. This statue has been carved of a single rock. To make a long story of its installation, short. The statue had slipped and fallen into the lake. A few people died coming under it. It was removed from the lake and installed. The then chief Minister Mr NTR, a Tughlaq and a megalomaniac, in his own right, had taken up the task of beautifying this place. Thanks to his efforts the place looks nice. He got statues of the main pundits and gurus of Telugu literature and state installed on the other side of this lake. I’ve heard people say that these statues resemble him.

 

The Hyderabad boating club here too.

 

Pictures of Saina Nehwal, the Hyderabadi girl , who is currently ranked No 2, in Badminton, being flaunted at many places of Hyderabad with captions like the “Winning Stretch” and so on.  I love this, as it can inspire a lot of the young crowd around the city to achieve more. India needs such inspiring hoardings to motivate the younger generation most of who get depressed and de-motivated from the competition that is now-a-days.

Another hoarding I miss seeing is of the Indian Idol “Sreeram”. He is from Bowenpally, about a kilometer from my home here.

One evening I was at my tailors place. He has 2 daughters, elder one around 13 years of age and another younger. The elder one received a phone call from her friend. I heard her say “Come on xxxxxx, you are too much yaar, I wont come”.

Then she asked her dad, “Sreeram is passing by , can I go and see?”

Her dad said, ask your mom. She went inside and then came out and screaming…”mama , said I could go…I could go..I could go”. The sisters got dressed immediately and left.

 

Then we also have hoardings of beautiful women draped in gold…Jewelry advertisements. 

 

Look at the traffic around us. Helmets?!!! maybe a couple of them are wearing it.

 

The office crowd, standing outside their workplace, either to have a smoke or buy a bag?!. The temporary stand of bags on the roadside is very convenient for the guy who kept it and for the people working there, I guess, until the police comes one fine day and ask him to clear out the space.

 

Common site to see women driving around, totally wrapped in scarves and dupattas and gloves to protect their hair and face and hands from the dust. Shows the amount of pollution in the atmosphere. But, what about the helmet?

Men too!

And Pedestrians too!!

 

A roadside stall to get ones shirts and pants. 

 

Burkha clad ladies starting to appear…we are getting close to Charminar!

Works out well for them, protection from the dust.

From all these picture, one can see how much the people of Hyderabad are battling dust in the atmosphere. Such scene was unusually higher this time and will only get worse

 

A few pictures of the historic structure..  

 

And A few pictures of the historic Laad Bazaar.