Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Everyday–a bonfire of my emotions.


Everyday...I go through this gamut of emotions when it comes to my children. They make me feel calm, happy, foolish, proud, surprised, angry, energetic, tired, frustrated and even blessed for being their mother.  All in a day.  The situations may vary but, the emotions are the same!

Even if they spend most part of the day in school or have a snow day off, it’s the same!!!  I don't know if that's the case with all the moms...but, that's how it is with me.

Not a day goes by..that I'm not proud of them..and not a day goes by, when I'm not totally, really totally frustrated with them and wonder how I’m going to survive another day.

Not a day passes … when I’m not already tired when I wake up in the morning..and by the time..I’ve packed my fourth child through the door,…to school, my energy for the day is DONE! I am driven by this unstoppable desire that I want to just sit down..and then..I don’t want to think anything..I don’t want to do anything..I just want to zone out!

I don’t know how I pick myself up from there and the rest of the day happens. If my children were to give me a name, I think my other name would be “Tired”!

How can Motherhood feel so joyful and feel so enervating at the same time?! You can love your children so much and be angry, frustrated with them in the next few minutes..or, hours?!! 

Yeah..could you imagine telling them…all weekend that they need to get things signed and ready and they come to you just as their bus is a few minutes away..that, they need to get something signed or they need money for some event?!!! Would you yell at them? What would you do at that moment?  I still can’t help but, to kiss them bye…as they leave the door, to school, after I had yelled at them..just a few minutes ago.

Well .. mosaic of emotions at the Palle residence. My children can woe me, with their wonderful creations in the kitchen. Just look at those wonderful cakes they created for Papa dear’s birthday and mine!! All without my knowledge. So, out of the box recipe..with limited resources. No oven used..no cake batter..no stove!!

Mommy's Birthday! 


This morning they had a day off from school because of snow….as usual! They expect to make their own breakfast..on holidays. So, they cooked a wonderful breakfast and passed on a plate for me too!  It was a menu of pancakes and veggie Omelette. It was delicious, so moist..so yummylicious!!

But when I entered the kitchen to prepare lunch..it was a sight I never want to see ever again. All the cut veggies..left on the cutting mat, egg shells not cleaned up..I have to admit..I lost my cool. Took me an hour to get the sanity back to my kitchen..I had just vowed to never to let them cook anything else .. and it was teatime. The tea they served us was such a life saver. A perfect end to the day.

They mesmerize me with their singing and score the highest marks in their music exam..yeah all! they topped everybody. Their music teacher, totally impressed with them, announced,

“The Palle sisters will start of the Yearly recital Solo, (well! as solo as solo can be..they are 3 sisters!) with a Raag of their choice”.

A very rare chance that she has never given to anybody. Which mom won’t be proud of such kids?!

But then, they will never take up the onus of the practice. They will always have an excuse. Either the homework is too much..or, its too many activities to handle. Its an ordeal to get them to practice.

When I sing an english song..they inadvertently..laugh at the way I make it sound so Indian.  Then..almost immediately they will apologize to me..lest it hurt me, even as I tell them..I am much tougher than that!! Well..I get my sweet revenge when I sit with them as they practice their Indian classical music.

They will fight with each other…and just as soon as, I am mad with any one of them..they will team up together and stand up for each other. It’s a joy to watch them be loyal to each other and so exhausting to get one of them to rat on the other!

They inspire me to do my best. When P was looking for me, one weekend, she wondered if I had gone to the gym. Papa dear mentioned to her..

“Mama doesn’t go to the gym on weekends.”

She asks

“Why not?!”

Sometimes I wonder..if its me who should be setting my expectations of her..or, the other way around?! Either way…it inspires me to do more..to show them that its important to keep fit.

Recently, When an electrician inadvertently set of the smoke alarm at home, R was so confident that her dad would never let such things happen if he were to fix something. The fact that her dad had gotten up and fixed a rogue alarm that was going off in the middle of the night by changing the battery had made him her, Hero!

In spite of my explanations..she remained adamant that her dad is a better fixer.  This blind faith with which they look up to you….it raises the bar on you..as a parent!

Sitting in my room..I hear them humming tunes. Sometimes, they are familiar tunes and other times, something new. Those gentle hums travelling across the hallways..Blissful!

Even those giggles they share among themselves. It makes me feel blessed.  Blessed for being able to provide those happy moments to my children.  I don’t feel like walking over to their room and disturbing the equilibrium they’ve achieved to be giggling like that. I just want those moments to last…and just revel in them..from where I am.

Just as much as they giggle…it’s a sight to watch them stress out!!

The other day .. we were at an event to audition for their talent. It was a sight watching N’s drama. She just couldn’t’ wouldn’t stop crying. Hubby dear and me tried hard to calm her and even warn her that it would mess her voice. Nothing helped…except being done with her turn. How do you deal with talented kids who aren’t brave enough to face it?!

Yeah..and not to forget all that that goes in..to make the day happen…the dishes, the laundry, the food..!!

It’s a mad house, I tell you! Everyday! But, at the end of the day…when I see them as they all get ready to bed..As I wait for their lights to go off…watching from my room..Another day done..Another day conquered..Another moment of calm..to know that my kids are safe and happy!

Motherhood!! I wouldn’t do it any other way..


Bhagyashree said...

Such a beautiful post Gayatri, had tears in my eyes. So true, motherhood is a mix of conflicting emotions

Gayatri said...

Isn't it..Bhagyashree?! Glad,to hear that you found this beautiful. It moved me too..as I thought at the end of the day..I forgot all the frustrations they cause..was only happy to see them be safe and happy. Its the only thing that mattered...rest of the part is the journey..we undertake as parents.